I realise this is a moot point for 99.9% of you reading this, but as another Ramadan comes to a close, I find myself being reflective over the course of the past month. Did I accomplish what I set out to do? I don’t think so. But what were my intentions? I did fast for more days than I ever have before, but as I write this, I am missing Eid prayers, mostly because I have a lot going on at work and didn’t want to miss a day when I’m still new and don’t have a ton of leave. But last year, I took the day off and it felt anticlimactic, I had almost wished I had gone to work, but in that sense, it was because I knew I was leaving that place in a few months.
When the month started, as always, I wanted to be more calm and less angry. I think I was able to accomplish this, and considering how little food I was consuming, it is a lot harder than you might think to stay even keel when you’re hungry and thirsty and can’t have anything to quench that need for 14 hours. I had hoped to complete the complaint free challenge again, but I was unable to do this.
I won’t give myself a pass for not doing the complaint free challenge, but I will say that as a manager, it is difficult, when providing monthly evaluations to employees, and reprimanding one of my employees on a regular basis, not to complain. I also had a break-through with one, getting that employee to realise that doing your job is an all or nothing affair when it comes to the job description. The referenced employee hasn’t been doing a ton of work and voluntarily took a demotion. I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about it. I would have liked to let it go, but I wasn’t able to.
In addition to that I tried very hard to let go of other issues that have been plaguing me. Thoughts about people in my life that have disappointed me, and while I had one cousin tell me you can’t have any expectations of people, I think that is impossible. Though it was ironic that the cousin in question made this remark, as she is one I am rather disappointed in and has shown little regard for anyone other than her husband. I have found myself trying very hard to let go and forgive a few others who I feel have been overly selfish, and I find myself struggling with this greatly.
I consider myself fairly selfless. While I will be the first to admit I am a consumer, I don’t deny someone else something if it is within my means to provide it. Having said that, there are some in my family who openly take advantage of that and of others and I am challenged by not being bothered by this. I don’t think I will ever change their attitude, so I can only change my own. We all must take everyone at face value and that is all you can hope for.
Overall, I feel better after this Ramadan is over, but I also feel sad. I have miraculous luck and I feel like I shine brighter during this time than any other time of the year. I know this is mostly ‘in my head’ and if I want to be better all year round, I can, it is just a matter of setting the tone. All we can do is aspire to be better, because the alternative is something I will not allow myself to venture into.